You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
