I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This baby is an asshole
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
