the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
