Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
