I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
