I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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