I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
