im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
