I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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