Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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