How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
