I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
there is glitter all over my balls
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