After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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