i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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