Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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