I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
