You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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