I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
