3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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