i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the condom got lost in my hair
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
