there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
