1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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