Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
