I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
