But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
