Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
