Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i now understand why vodka
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
