I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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