My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
