Me too!
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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