as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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