Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
