So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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