he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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