if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
