I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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