I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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