I just pynch a tree in the face
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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