I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
