Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
