Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
