Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
