I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
