you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
