I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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