Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
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