this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
