I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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