I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My dick has a subreddit
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
