it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
