last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
