do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
