areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
