and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
