I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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