She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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