so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
