Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
