addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
