watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
