I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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