Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
