I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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