i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
